next week will mark the 3 year anniversary living in my house. when i was moving in i had tv fairy tale dreams of having awesome neighbors, walking through a safe neighborhood, letting the pup outback to frolic in the yard, sitting outside sippin lemonade while enjoying the peaceful evenings...warm fuzzy feelings. my house was my project. i gutted it, had all new floors installed, painted every wall to the colors i wanted, new appliances, new landscaping - the whole shebang. besides my dog and my gf, it's my baby. i love it. there's just one problem. JODIE FOSTER. (the neighbor to the right of me). for the most part, i never see my other neighbors. there is a foreign man that lives 2 houses down from me who has tried to run over me twice but other than that, our paths rarely ever cross. but jodie is a different story. i share a property line with this woman and she is heinous if i'm being polite.

i call her jodie foster because the first month, i was in and out of the hospital and my parents spent most of their time at my house doing yard work, etc. while in the yard, my dad (the world's shyest man) would get approached by "jodie" and apparently she carried on long personal conversations with him on several occasions. and when i say personal, i mean she told my dad she was a lesbian who met her partner at a university near my parents house and they live together. "oh a lesbian? sweet!" ...i thought...

you know how you will lock eyes with another suspected lesbian somewhere and you may share a glance or smile like a secret handshake in the homo sorority sisterhood. i thought it was great to have a lesbian neighbor. except, in the 3 years that i have lived here, "jodie" has said 2 sentences to me. once was a forced to be polite sentence while her dad was helping her trim trees in the back, "i may have dropped a limb over your fence into the backyard, i'm sorry. if you wanna just throw it back over we'll put it on the curb." i said "oh i'm sure my dog thinks God himself just threw her a toy from the sky. i don't mind at all, thanks. her dad smiled a genuine smile, as if he were in agreement and they carried on to the curb (limb stacks in hand). this was last summer. 2 years after i moved in. it took her 2 years to say something to me.

also, i have only seen her suspected "partner" at her house a handful of times. used to her "partner" would be there maybe once a week. i thought maybe she traveled and it kept her away from home often. then almost a year went by and her partner had not been seen until last weekend while C and i were walkin' the pup, we came home and they were standing in jodie's yard. the suspected partner waved and said "hey how are you?" jodie shot her a hateful look. C and i waved back and we both replied "good, how are you" and kept walking.

the other time jodie spoke to me, was when she showed up on my door step during a snow storm and bitched about C's car being parked in front of her house. my first thought was, "what's the problem, Ms. Personality? having lots of friends over?" she never has people over. ever. and i think it's obvious why the woman tends to spend all her time alone in her yard. she hates people. everyone except my stepdad apparently lol.

jodie takes great pride in her yard/landscaping. as she should - her yard looks incredible. but keep in mind...we share a property line. which means if i don't mow in the exact pattern she does with the same blade setting, it throws off her entire masterpiece completely. apparently. there is a tricky part between our houses where i have to "scoop" the lawn mower around a bush...it totally messes up the straight line formation she has going and the "scoop" (half-circle-like) crosses her property line. but there are 2 options here. i could mow the scoop and cross her line or i could be a dick and only mow TO the bush and assume she will take it from there. so today i did the scoop.

she comes home in the middle of my mowing, gets out of her car, walks out of the garage, across the yard and looks in the direction of "the scoop." i look at her, she throws her traditional hateful look my way, and shakes her head as if she is annoyed with something.

the woman is impossible. i have never encountered someone who was anymore determined to dislike people more than "jodie." i said to C, after we waved and spoke to the "partner" last weekend, "i really truly believe it would kill that woman to smile and fake being nice to someone." i totally think it would. how sad.