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i can't fall asleep, and it's driving me crazy. i can't get comfortable. i can't get the fan angled right. i'm either too hot or too cold. the problem is, i'm beyond exhausted. i don't want to sleep all day tomorrow. i can't sleep all day tomorrow. i wake up early no matter what and tomorrow is a huge study day for me. i have been trying to fall asleep for 2 hours and i don't want to resort to sleeping aids. i hate how insomnia takes over during finals; the time that sleep is even more crucial. ugh.

i have picked up a guitar hundreds of times, tried to arrange my fingers in some way on the fretboard to make a pleasing sound, and in turn it equaled the pleasantness of a goat in distress. i thought that instrument would be impossible. but i wanted more than anything to learn how to play... i grew up playing the violin, cello, and piano. string instruments were my thing. so why couldn't the guitar? why did the guitar have 500 different chords to learn and 500 more strumming patterns to choose from? and changing from chords to chords, are you kidding me? i thought it would never happen. but for christmas i got a really good guitar. a taylor 114ce acoustic/electric. it's beautiful and sounds incredible. and damn it, i was determined to learn this beast. for the past 4 months i have taken a class at school and learned some of the basics. however the professor wasn't very good, he tended to be more discouraging than anything. the beginning was the worst. how the strings would cause extreme pain to my fingers (until callouses formed) and the awkwardness on spacing my fingers for various chords. but yesterday i realized, as i struggled with transitions between new chords, that i have come a long way. i can play several songs, i know A TON of chords (majors, minors, and dominants). i signed up for private lessons with a music store next door to me to continue now that this class has ended. and even though my transitions are rough with some chords still and i don't know everything about the guitar just yet, i'm on my way. and now i don't have to feel intimidated to go into a guitar store. :)

sometimes i talk a lot. A LOT. when i'm passionate about something, take a seat. or run for the door. because it could be a while. the problem is, somedays i want to post multiple blogs. but how many is too many? let's not get into overkill. other days i'm silent. perhaps i find myself in a momentary state of being pensive. thinking about things. life. life is huge. it's so much bigger than us. think about it. clare and i went to a nearby park yesterday. we walked a few trails, hiked as far as we could go in flip flops, walked along the creek bead and through a few small waterfalls. it was a amazing. nature is beautiful. i read through blogs a lot. i get lost in the linkage - from blog to blog to blog. people are so interesting. their lives...so interesting! what they're going through, where they travel, what they do on a day to day basis. i came across an entry this evening where someone spoke about the importance of living "greener" now. that they had never really considered it's importance until they had children. then they became aware...what we do now will affect the world their children will live in as adults. that's a scary thought. that really made me stop and think. i have bought my reusable grocery bags and try to use them every time i pick up something at the store.



but there's so much more i need to do for the environment. one day i hope to have kids. and i not only want them to have the opportunities i had and live the way i lived...i want them to have more. i want their lives to be even better. but not just dealing with the environment. but with school too. another blog i crossed wrote about recent suicides of 11 yr olds for teasing and bullying. this breaks my heart into millions of pieces. to think that kids as young as 11 (and even younger) are being treated this way and made to feel so horrible about themselves that they take their own lives. that's is devastating. after reading through that particular entry i was reminded of a little boy, whose story touched my heart a year ago...Lawrence King.



He couldn't be any cuter. Lawrence was a 15 yr old who was murdered AT SCHOOL last february after publicly saying he was gay and had asked a 14 yr old male classmate to be his valentine. how tragic! it scares me. if i had to go back to high school now, i don't think i could do it. i felt so safe while i was in high school. but i wouldn't now. i don't want my children to fear school. i want them to feel safe there, and enjoy going. even if they don't particularly love the schoolwork aspect (not every kid will - i can't force that) but i don't want them to feel like school is a dangerous place. and i certainly don't think a child should ever fear (or be discouraged from) being who they truly are.

1. What color is your toothbrush? silver...chrome, if you will

2. Name one person who made you smile today? clare, definitely

3. What were you doing at 8 am today? cuddling and stuff. you know.

4. What were you doing 45 minutes ago? you know.

5. What is your favorite candy bar? the kind with no calories but are so good they taste like crack cocaine...these don't exist? then i don't like candy bars.

6. Have you ever been to a strip club? i founded strip clubs.

7. What is the last thing you said aloud? i worked 5th and broadway last night, tonight i'm takin' ormsby.

8. What is your favorite ice cream flavor? sweet marsala, or pinot grigio on long days

9. What was the last thing you had to drink? beer #7

10. Do you like your wallet? i'm pretty much in love with it. we cuddle and stuff.

11, What was the last thing you ate? this is probably really personal and inappropriate, but strawberry yogurt.

12, Have you bought any new clothing items this week? tassels.

13, The last sporting event you watched? oil wrestling at some sorority house

14, What is your favorite flavor of popcorn? the jelly belly jelly bean flavor

15, Who is the last person you sent a text message to? Baby Jesus

16, Ever go camping? Once, then my mom made me come inside around 10pm.

17, Do you take vitamins daily? only when my ADHD is off the hook

18, Do you give to church/charity? why do you think i founded strip clubs?

19, Do you have a tan? farmer's tan

20. Do you prefer Chinese food over pizza? i prefer them separately...not one on top of the other.

21. Do you drink your soda with a straw? sho nuff

22. What did your last text message say? that's between me and baby j

23. What are you doing tomorrow? studying for my ochem final

25. Look to your left, what do you see? my gf and she's beeeeeutiful

26. What color is your watch? cadillac chrome

27. What do you think of when you hear Australia? steve irwin, rip

29. Do you go in at a fast food place or just hit the drive thru? eh whatevs

30. What is your favorite number? 3.14159

31. Who's the last person you talked to on the phone? eh i dunno

32. Any plans today? pretty sure i already answered this...is this a consistency test?

33. How many states have you lived in? i transition between several mental states from time to time...this current one is suiting me well so far.

34. Biggest annoyance right now? organic chemistry

35, Last song listened to. my short term memory is awesome. can't remember.

36, Can you say the alphabet backwards? i learned a few social skills from college...this is a pretty popular party trick.

37, Do you have a maid service clean your house? clare likes to play dress up. i'm a fan of the costume.

38, Favorite pair of shoes you wear all the time? flops

39, Are you jealous of anyone? myself

40, Is anyone jealous of you? me

41, Do you love anyone? myself. and clare. and riley. and my family. ok i have a list.

42, Do any of your friends have children? probably

43, What do you usually do during the day? critique movies

44, Do you hate anyone that you know right now? i tend to hate people i don't know..that works out well.

45, Do you use the word 'hello' daily? i don't pay too much attention to what i say daily.

46, What color is your car? black

47, Do you like cats? as long as they aren't peeing on my stuff

48. Are you thinking about someone right now? sure am, she's sitting next to me

49, Have you ever been to Six Flags? i live 5 miles from six flags. it's not my top priority every summer.

50, How did you get your worst scar? skin biopsies. at 25. this isn't looking good for longevity.

I haven't slept in two weeks. Between studying for four exams and finals this week and traveling all over two states for various obligations...all I wanted was a day where I didn't have to beat the sun up to be somewhere. I almost got that. If only bambi had decided to enter the streets of downtown an hour earlier. I had to be at the zoo early this morning, as I do every Sunday. But I REALLY wanted to stay in bed and not leave my gf this morning. I get to the zoo, I treat the cat in isolation, I start to scrub a cage to disinfect in prep for the vampire bats coming in, and we got a call that a deer had made its way to one of the busiest restaurant and shopping districts in the city. The vet had to be called in and the hospital supervisor had to ride along to make sure the deer was returned to a safe place and no one got hurt. I was free to go home! I got Clare and the pup out of bed and now ill be enjoying my day with them. Starting with breakfast and guitar hero, of course. :)
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i think those pills are called sedatives.

...i don't know if i would take the pill. the thought that something could erase something from my brain is pretty scary. my first hesitation would be taking such a powerful pill. beyond that i don't know how i'd feel of permanently removing a memory. we all have a past. we all have traumatic events that affected our lives. and although i can't STAND when people say "everything that has happened has created who i am," to some degree it's true. there are things i wish didn't happen and have negatively affected who i am. but if those events were erased from my mind, how would that change me now? i have made it through those times and am trying to continue putting one positive foot in front of the other to advance in life. but permanent deletion of something just freaks me out.

choc pb oatmeal cookies are my favorite. but i can't make them. i'm horrible at them. i know these are these are known to many as the "cookies for dummies" but i suck at them. i will stand side by side with someone and follow exactly what they do and they will never become "matte" and firm. mine remain shiny and fudgy. i'll read tips all over the internet for how to remedy this situation and i STILL can't do it. so clare is attempting them. apparently she is the baker and i'm the cook. so this is the recipe we're following. it's from the food network, which is a fabulous source. thought i'd share:


Ingredients
2 cups sugar
4 tablespoons cocoa
1 stick butter
1/2 cup milk
1 cup peanut butter
1 tablespoon vanilla
3 cups oatmeal
Waxed paper


Directions
In a heavy saucepan bring to a boil, the sugar, cocoa, butter and milk. Let boil for 1 minute then add peanut butter, vanilla and oatmeal. On a sheet of waxed paper, drop mixture by the teaspoonfuls, until cooled and hardened.

After 5 days of not seeing my wonderful gf due to studying, we are finally catching up on some qt!! Clare picked the movie for tonight...Red Dragon. I know I'm 7 years behind, as the movie came out in 2002 and I have yet to see it. But I'm on a "thriller/scary" movie kick so I'm down for any of em. We will see how this goes. :)
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i used to be an avid blogger, but then i got away from it. i am now dedicated (again) to blogging. but sometimes it's difficult. i don't want to go through the dry times where i post 20 blogs in 2 weeks then 0 blogs for 4 days (unless of course im banging my head against the wall b/c this organic chemistry final could possibly be the death of me). at times i have noticed some of my professional blogger/writer friends encounter writer's block. even my most creative friends (heather) admit to experiencing this. perhaps random suggestions from prompt generators likeimagination prompt generator or mind bump would help. this is the prompt i found at mind bump today.

“Select a random word from the dictionary that you do not know, look up the meaning, and use it in your blog post.”


i'm all about expanding my vocabulary. i might have to try it out.

"vy-annie sausages" are vienna sausages. and clare's niece is not down for sharing hers with me.

literally.  i had my ass handed to me today on 2 exams.  organic chemistry hates me.  and these aren't even finals.  no no.  finals start next week.  i have 2 more exams this week, a final next week and the biggest final of my life in two weeks from today.  whoever decided that the organic chemistry 2 final should be over BOTH semesters (organic 1 and organic 2) is an asshole.  

im starting over with blogging.  from scratch.  apparently my personal blog for the past 3 years (inmyflops) was deleted recently and i lost everything.  but i actually don't mind it.  i was sad to discover that when i typed in the address, it sent me to "godaddy" but to be honest, this is probably the best thing to happen.  although i miss my popular posts regarding flip flops and rainbow sandals, but now i don't have to sift through those traumatic past-relationships posts that were keeping me from the blog for quite some time.  this made me put forth the effort to start up a new blog and i didn't have to worry about having to go in and edit my template to erase old photos, comments, etc.  i've never blogged on blogger before.  so this is new to me, and it's taking some getting used to.  but i'm starting to see how user friendly it really is.  i was a "wordpress" girl before, but after my other blog mysteriously vanished, i decided to jump ship and try something different.  so here i am blogging world.  i'm throwin' myself in your face with the random stuff i feel like rambling about from time to time.  but no worries, i promise to keep my clothes on.

You're lookin at perfection folks. Finals time brings out a lot of my perfections...in the form of distractions. Like making perfectly edged pancakes at 4 in the afternoon instead of studying organic chemistry. Or doing ALL of my laundry in one day, including folding AND putting it away. Or cleaning out closets that haven't been touched in years. Point is, my house is so organized. My organic skills, aren't.
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This is what Riley does while I study. 
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I just set up blogger on my blackberry. This is fantastic! Bloggin has never been so easy!

my entire school semester is difficult.  but finals time is the WORST of the worst.  i hate this time (twice) a year.  i have to lock myself in the house, try to avoid too many distractions, focus, and kick my ass with studying.  but this all comes with major sacrifices.  the biggest sacrifice is missing my gf terribly.  i won't get to see her much over the next few weeks and i hate it.  it's hard for me to let her go when she's here.  however, i love being with her so much, that the last thing i want to do, when she's here, is study.  the other sacrifices include social events like "thunder" and derby parties.  i'd love to go to thunder this year.  i had planned on it.  but that was all ruined the first day of class when i received my syllabi with exam dates.  so this weekend while everyone is enjoying the beautiful weather, delicious drinks, and awesome fireworks, i'll be fighting back tears at home alone, studying my heart out for organ

i love reading.  it’s my favorite thing.  i wish i could get paid to read non-stop.  so i’ve decided to make a list of my favorite books.  

to kill a mockingbird
i know why the caged bird sings
harry potter and the goblet of fire
the great gatsby
watership down
running with scissors
dry
possible side effects
magical thinking
where are the children
weep no more my lady
all through the night
all around the town
the outsiders
a walk to remember
the notebook

…you are my last, you are my first…

 

i love you.  with everything i have.  everything i am.  i love you

my life is complete now that i’ve found you.  thank you for being you.  thank you for holding my heart the way you do.  thank you for everything.  but most importantly, thank you for coming into my life.  you mean the world to me.  you are my everything.  i love you.  :)